The guilt about moving abroad is a real one. I didn’t expect how hard it would hit, but it’s one of the hardest and most continuous aspects about moving abroad. And for me those feelings intensify when I’m in my childhood home. More often than not I’ve missed my mum’s birthday in recent years. Mostly because I have to work. This year, however, I’m in the midst of planning an international move and I don’t know how many more birthdays I can spend with my mum. So, I took a couple days off to celebrate my mum’s birthday with her. Sometimes it’s hard to cope with moving abroad, sometimes there’s guilt about moving abroad, sometimes there’s internal questions about regret.

Guilt About Moving Abroad Creeps In

Standing in my grandma’s backyard on a warm late summer/ early fall day when the sun is slowly setting is one of the best feelings to me. It’s one of those moments in which everything just feels peaceful, time doesn’t seem to progress, birds are chirping and the world is glowing in a dusky light. It’s one of those moments which I want to last forever. And the thought of those moments to mostly become a memory is a strange one. I already live several hours away from home, but it’s still only a car or train ride away. Quite the difference to a 2-day airplane travel.

It’s bittersweet to spend a couple of days with my mum and grandma, in the house i grew up in. Celebrating mum’s birthday with family and her friends, all of who I’ve known for most of my life. I don’t see them very often, so it’s nice to spend time with everyone. But at the same time there’s sadness. Everyone who was at the party kept telling me how happy they are to see me again, how long it’s been since the last time. And while I felt the same, there was also a gnawing feeling at the back of my head. The guilt about moving abroad.

Outside of my parents nobody knows that I’m planning to move to Australia, yet. Thinking about how it’s only a couple more months before everyone will know and my moving abroad won’t be a parents and close friends only knowledge. And I can already imagine the faces, torn between feeling happy for me and having to say goodbye for an unknown amount of time.

Home away from home

Not that I’m already REALLY saying goodbye, but it’s in the air. The knowing feeling that the day will come. The plan to move to Australia is already in motion. I already researched and picked a visa, I’m saving money to move and I’m constantly planning, working towards the goal of moving. To leave home to go home. And this time, it’s different than the last times.

Whenever I say I’m leaving home to go home I don’t only feel guilt about moving abroad. I feel guilty that I don’t feel as at home as everyone else does in the place we all grew up in. My mum and aunt grew up in the house my cousin and I later on did, too. My grandpa built the house and my grandma now has lived in it for 61 years. And my mum and stepdad are living there with her. Meanwhile I almost had a mental breakdown after staying with them for 4 days, which made me feel like I was 16 again all over.

But don’t get me wrong, I really enjoy spending time in my hometown, with my family and in my childhood home. It’s just not me. Like, permanently. Sometimes I wish it was because then I wouldn’ have to look my mum in the eyes seeing her happy for me, but also struggling with having to let go. It’s hard to see that expression in her face, because I feel the exact same. I mean, there’s always planes, trips that can be arranged. But realistically I know my parents are getting older, too. And traveling to Australia is a long and expensive journey that will not happen every three months.

Missing out on Life?

There might only be one more of mums birthdays in the forseeable future that I’ll celebrate with her before I move 15.000 km away. That’s yet another strange thought I rather not think about too much. And another one that solidifies the guilt about moving abroad. The possibility that I won’t celebrate my parents’ birthday with them is high, a little too high if I’m being honest.

Dad just turned 60, which is wild. Like, that’s the age grandparents are. But he’s just my dad. He’s not in the grandparents category. That would mean I’m a real adult, too. (I mean, I am. But deep down I’m still 24.) Seeing my parents turn a year older was hard this year. This time last year moving was on my mind already, but there wasn’t a specific plan yet. There were ideas, thoughts and wishes. This year it’s very different. And birthdays very much are evidence of time passing, which isn’t a bad thing. But it makes me thoughtful.

There was a moment somewhere between baking mum classic Australian cherry ripe slices, her blowing out candles, drinking prosecco with my 85-year old grandma and my aunt insulting my fluffy uggs that I realised my parents are getting old. And I won’t be there for it, not really. I wonder if that feeling is similar to the one parents feel when they see their kids grow up and move out? Either way, I’m not a big fan. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, too, which definitely made me retreat into my inner world a bit more than usual. It also really brings home feeling guilt about moving abroad and dealing with that guilt isn’t always easy.

Whild the guilt aspect of moving abroad isn’t part of the fun, adventurous and romantic side of moving countries that we often see on social media, it is a very real thing. And I don think it’s important to talk about even if it’s not glamourous and exciting. Anyone who is either about to move abroad or has already moved abroad has experienced it. And anyone who is thinking about moving countries should know that it’s a part of the process we all go through.

Even though I’ve talked a lot about guilt now I also want to say that there’s an upside to feeling guilty about leaving as well. It makes all the little things so much more special. And the time you do spend with family becomes more cherished and less of a commodity. Anytime I visit my parents and we go out to eat, have some drinks downtown, go for a swim or just spend time at home I enjoy whatever we do. Those are all memories being made and I’m not taking them for granted.

It’s an up and down when it comes to feeling guilty about moving abroad. And while there are very clear downsides to moving very, very far away from the place you grew up in, it’s not only missing out life with loved ones. It also means following your dreams, leaving your comfort zone, growing as a person and building something for yourself. And that really is pricel